I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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