I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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