I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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