My Higher Power is John Stamos
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
