Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
