tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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