I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
