dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
