What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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