farters have to be the big spoon...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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