My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
