We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
