Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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