I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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