im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
