I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
