dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
