Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
