just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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