My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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