He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize