could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
