Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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