I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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