Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
