I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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