Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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