Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
