I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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