Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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