if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
