I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
