Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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