Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
