I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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