When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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