My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
