he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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