Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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