And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Shame - the story of my life.
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