Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
