Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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