I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
