I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
