if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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