Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
