In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
