I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When are your genitals available?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
