I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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