1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
