My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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