2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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