The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
