I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
