i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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