too bad you live with your parents still
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
