These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
