remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
