I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
