my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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