remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
His nipple licking is glorious
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